A 40-years old married father of a six-year-old and a seventeen-year-old feels the need to dress in women’s clothes. He has kept is as a secret to his wife and has never told it to anyone else either. He has bought clothes, make-up and a wig and keeps them in the garage. He dresses up as a woman puts make-up on when alone and when in the summer cottage. He has tried to purge when he feels shame and guilt about it. On the other hand when he dresses up, puts make up on and is en femme he feels relaxed and the feelings of anxiety and stress disappear. He feels that he can’t escape his need. He suffers from hiding it from his wife.

What could be done?

Seek information in books, magazines, the internet, the Gender Support Center of SETA ry and the Finnish transvestite club Dreamwear. Do not believe everything you read and hear, but compare to your own experiences.

Should you change and get rid of the need to dress up?

Consider whether that is possible for you. Try to remember if you have had a phase of life when you have not had the urge to dress en femme. Could you live now more like you used to live then? Study yourself. Can you give up? How could life be then; what good or bad changes in the quality of life could happen to you then? Could there be something else that could replace being en femme in your life?

Think about why do you want to change. Does transvestism cause you some harm? Does your transvestism hurt someone? Does it benefit you and bring joy to you? Do you want to change because transvestism is usually seen as weird and abnormal?

Do you have to give yourself a permission to be a transvestite and get rid of shame and guilt?

It is not wrong or harmful to be different from many others. Why could you not be interested in femininity and to express your effeminacy? Women can dress in men’s clothing and be butch and nobody labels them as trannie freaks. Think how your transvestism could benefit you. Could it be a natural part of your life, sometimes you would go out en femme, sometimes you could be a man and liked both roles? Think what could help you accept yourself. Would you read books written about transvestism by transvestites. Could you go out to see other transvestites? Would it help if you shared your secret with some reliable person or perhaps first with the phone counselors in the transvestite club Dreamwear ry or the Transgender Support Center of SETA ry? What changes would happen in your life if you decided to accept yourself?

Should you come out to your wife or significant other or a close friend?

Think about the possible outcome of coming out to your wife (divorce/a crisis that could be sorted out little by little by communicating/the relationship would become closer and other secrets would be shared also/relief for you when you need not hide any longer/your wife could see you as a queer, freak, disgusting/wife could accept it/starting to go shopping, putting make-up on and go out together en femme that is a new aspect to the relationship/wife is already sensing that there is some secret and would be relieved when it is finally spelt out/wife could get mad/shocked/worried/lots of arguments would follow/wife could be hurt for you hiding it all this time/wife could be worried that she would not be enough as a woman for him/wife could worry that her husband would be turning gay/wife could be worried about the children’s development/wife could be ashamed of you et cetera.

Would you solve your crisis together or would you go to a therapy for couples?

Could your loved ones really disown you for this one thing? Would you disown your wife or a close person if he or she told something unexpected about himself/herself like that he or she is bisexual or that he or she has started to believe? If the relationship ends because of transvestism it would probably end on any other crisis as well.

Think about the worst possible scenario and if it came true, what would you do. Think about the best possible scenario. What little things can you yourself so that the best scenario could happen and not the worst?

Other transvestites could give perspective on if to come out and how to come out and what the possible outcomes could be.